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Library Monologue
(Laura wanders onstage calling for her mother) Mom. (Louder) Mom. (Yelling) MOM! (Stops to listen) Can you drive me to the library? I need to find a monologue. (Listens) Thanks. (Listens, then looks outraged) What? I can’t walk home; it’s eight degrees out there, what if I get hypothermia? (Listens, looks disappointed) Yes mom, I’ll bundle up. (Thinks for a moment) But what if I’m hit by a semi? (Listens then disappointed again) Yes mom, I’ll look both ways before I cross the street. (Thinks really hard, demands) What if an ax murderer catches me? (Listens, disappointed) Yes mom, I’ll carry pepper spray. (Final pleading) You’ll be sorry when I’m dead! (Listens, outraged) Yes mom, I know, I’m insured.
When I finally get to the library I find nothing. So, I walk home defeated and cold, hoping for a little sympathy and possibly some hot chocolate. I got neither. The first thing I hear when I walk in the door is my mom yelling. (Put hands on hips and imitates mother) Laura Elizabeth McGill! You have been gone for three and half-hours! Where were you? (Exasperated) Why does she ask me these questions? She knows very well that I was at the library. I try to explain why I took so long, but she interrupts. I zone out while she rambles on about hypothermia, semi trucks, ax murderers and other nonsense. She realizes that I’m not listening so she gets right in my face and demands (again, hands on hips imitates mother) What If you had died? Why does she care, (sarcastically) after all, I am insured.
(Authors note: The mother in this monologue was NOT based on my Mom.)
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Wierd World of Women
Set up like a girl’s bathroom. Five stalls (doors facing forward) in the back. Mirrors stage right. Entrance stage left. Jason enters looking cautious, Cory follows looking downright terrified.
Cory:
This is a bad idea, a very, very bad idea.
Jason:
Shut up. What could possibly go wrong?
Cory:
(Counting on his fingers)
One, a girl could come in and see us. Two, someone could’ve seen us entering. Three, someone could see us exiting. Four, if possibility one, two, or three were to occur then people might logically assume that that we are either A: Perverts or B:...
Jason:
(interrupting loudly)
Hey! I thought I just told you to shut up. It’s too early no one’s even at school yet. Besides, we’re on the football team, we’re expected to be perverted; it’s kinda like a rite of passage into adulthood. Now you’re a freshman, so you might not understand this, but the act you are about to perform will affect your whole life.
Cory:
It will? How?
Jason:
Didn’t I just tell you to shut up? Now where was I?
Cory:
Something about affecting my whole life.
Jason:
Good, now be quiet and listen. When you enter the girls’ bathroom you are...
(Searching for the right word)
Help me out here Cory, what‘s a big word for coming into.
Cory:
Encroaching upon?
Jason:
That’s it. When you enter the girls’ bathroom you’re encroaching upon the secret world of females. It’s um... you know that word you say when something is supposed to mean something else?
Cory:
Symbolic?
Jason:
Right! Goin’ into the girls’ bathroom is symbolic of encroaching upon the secret world of females. When you’re on the football team you’re required to give much of your time to the very very old...
Cory:
Ancient?
Jason:
Yes, the ancient art of understanding women.
Cory:
You mean I can learn to understand women? Will playing football teach me that?
Jason:
Of course not! No one really does understand women. Guys that wear orange and don’t get married- Buddhist monks or something like that-spend their entire lives thinking about these mysteries and they still haven’t figured them out. When you’re on the football team you just learn what those orange wearing dudes have discovered: the basics.
Cory:
like what?
Jason:
Well first off you should learn that when they say no they really mean yes.
Cory:
Huh?
Jason:
(as if explaining to a small child)
Girls will say one thing and mean something entirely else. They’ll act like they can’t stand you, but deep down they really like you.
Cory:
(dubiously)
I dunno, the last time I tried to kiss a girl she attacked me with her nails; it took weeks to heal that cut. Does that mean she likes me?
Jason:
Buddy, she’s crazy about you.
Cory:
That makes no sense, but ok.
Jason:
Good, now something else you need to learn is how to read minds.
Cory:
What? How?
Jason:
You think I know how? All I know is that they expect you to.
Cory:
I don’t get it.
Jason:
(patting Cory on the shoulder sympathetically)
No one does my friend, no one does.
Bell rings, startling both boys.
Cory:
Oh no! School just started, girls should start arriving any minute.
Jason:
Just hurry up and perform the ceremony.
The door opens and girls enter, Jason motions to Cory to hide in the stalls, Jason enters the center one and Cory takes the one next to it stage right. They both dodge out of sight just in time. Melissa, Hanna and Jessica enter and immediately run to the mirrors to check their makeup.
Melissa
Oh my freakin’ goodness!
Hanna
What is it Melissa? You didn’t smudge your mascara did you?
Melissa
No this is worse, much worse.
Jessica
I’m sure you’ll be ok.
Melissa
I have a blemish!
MORE TO COME
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